You Know You Were Brought Up By A Kenyan Mum If..

Having been brought up by two of the greatest Mums to roam God's earth. Needless to say that they were Kenyan, there are things that I do to this day that only an individual that was brought up by these great crop of mums can relate to.

Habits that I have to this day, that when I get to perform them, I do so with a wide smile, with an eye to the skies. Knowing that they are looking down on their son, amidst high fives probably saying, "Hata kama hajapata kazi na hakai kuoa in this life time, yenyewe tulijaribu kumfundisha." (But now in Kamba.)

There are those small things that we can't do, or can't do without, even as grown up as we are. It is these little things that we'll look at today.

• When you take a shower or kujipaka mafuta the one place you can't and won't forget to attend to is behind your ears, then lazima ulikua mtu wa dufo mpararo na kuparara hiyo place ndio ilikua inafanywa ushikwe.

• When stirring your cup of tea , you don't do it like you are ringing a school bell, and when you get to sipping the tea, you never make a sound, no matter how hot it is. Kuna vikombe kadhaa za chai hukuwai maliza ju ya ile vita ulishikwa

• You can never ever be caught dead without a handkerchief.. 

• Eating at your neighbour's place is still a scary undertaking. Still on food, huwezi bakisha chakula, heri ukufe ukikula.

•  Even though you probably have your own kitchen by now, you can't sleep with dirty dishes in your sink. 

• Alongside that kitchen, you probably have a sofa and a bed, but you can never place dirty feet on them, heri ukae ni ka uko kwa mat, na uko kwako.

• You instinctively hit the room's light switch when you walk out, the T.V and anything else that consumes electricity, hata socket haina kitu huwezi wacha switch yake ikiwa on.

These are just from the top of my head, feel free to add yours below, those little habits that make you proud of being raised by the best mums in the world, Kenyan mums.

KWISHA....Nimeruka Nje!!!

When I Die...

" When I die, bury me inside the Jewelry store, When I die, bury me inside the Truey store, True to my religion, true everything I'm too different…So when I die, bury me next to .." 

*cue birthday song, hehe I couldn't resist, always found it ironical though, that they would sing about death in a birthday song. I digress…

Onto serious matters, events over the past couple of weeks have weighed heavily on my mind. And as is with everything else, it starts as some pretty serious issue(s) then quickly degenerates into something I can laugh at and pick a few lessons from.

Throughout my short life, this cruel thing called death has claimed several people I held dear, but it’s the last couple of incidents that have got me really thinking. Over the weekend, a pilot friend of mine died in a plane crash in Kilifi. It still doesn't seem real, he had just started living his life, in his mid-twenties, he was now on his run way to the life.

I sit back at times and think, no hope, that Rojo would come back and be part of the sevens side that lifts the first cup title at the series, na ndio tulipane ile deni ya maji ya Dar. That I’ll be somewhere at Impala or Quins, and Mishu would pop out of nowhere like she used to, and we’ll talk and laugh like we always did.

That when Arsenal end their 9 year trophy drought later this month, we’ll be watching it hapo kwa kina Jijo with Ndiso. That when KCB lift the Kenya cup, in the same weekend, we’ll be toasting with Ochino to the perfect Arsenal, KCB weekend.

Whenever I think along these lines, which has been quite often in the last few days, what hits me hard is the realisation that this life can end in a snap, one minute you are here the next..poof! So I started asking myself, what would happen if I was the next on line? With things blowing up all over, diseases, this crazy lifestyle we lead..that could be sooner than we think..

It would definitely be a happy re union with my folks, with the afore mentioned souls and many more. But what if I could give pointers to what I would like to happen when I do kick the proverbial bucket, kind of like a will, but since I have no property to share yet..it would go something like this..

First if I do die like now, look for two fat boys, one I call PPS the other I call Crony..then find out how another 8 big ass men called the Poed are doing. The good pastor, the big brother and close family would have probably already known.. and yes I don’t have a girlfriend, yet!

Don’t start flooding my social media pages, with RIP messages, oooh sijui gone too soon. Be creative with your messages and wishes, they might just help up there..try something like, “May you be in charge of the recruitment agency that distributes the 72 virgins,” or “May you start ‘OSBHE’ huko”.. (the ‘HE’ is for Heaven by the way, don’t get it twisted, it is the game they play in HEAVEN!)

If tulikua tumekosana before my demise, keep your condolences to yourself, if ushawai nirusha pesa zangu, follow suit. If, ladies, nishawai kuomba ukanikataa, kataa pia na hizo rambi rambi zako. If the last time we spoke was just before the last Safari sevens, niwache priss, jiwekee machozi zako, you are not mourning me, just a wasted opportunity to free saf sevens tickets.. If you fall in one or all of those categories and still insist on kujifanya kunimourn, I will haunt you, till the after life, ukikuja huko utakua form 1 wangu forever!

Please don’t allow them to play that boring funeral music at my burial, you’ll probably fail in this attempt as utasomewa kikamba iishe, but at least play some good music on your way there and back. You know, Johnny Cash’s Ain’t no grave, Pdiddy and Faith Evans’ Missing you, Khona, R.Kelly's I wish, just from the top of my head..ok I’ll make a playlist.

I know this will be said several times, “Don’t be sad, he is in a happy place..” well I hope they are right, but don’t beat yourself up, ujinyime vitu on my account, cry endlessly, such stuff. Machozi ingeweza rudisha mtu, dunia ingekua imejaa, I am not saying that you don’t cry at all, lia kidogo the first few days then suck it up..si ati 2 weeks down the line bado unalia, kwani nilikua na deni yako?

Speaking of denis, if you owed me any money, you are exempted from contributing at my matanga. Otherwise if I owed you any money, you are supposed to pay double the amount at my matanga..yes and I will be watching.

I’ll end my list here so that I still have more than eight friends after this post. So what is today’s lesson? I read somewhere not long ago, “Give them their roses while they are still alive.”  

In other words, appreciate the people you have in your life, while they are still here. Don’t wait for them to die then start weeping over missed opportunities. Second lesson, a cliché.. live it to the fullest, I’d say YOLO but it would murder all the 800 words you just read!

KWISHA…Nimeruka Nje!!!

(Catch me on www.osbke.com where we talk about the sport they play in heaven…)

11 Things Every Self-respecting Kenyan Man Should Have Achieved At 25!

So I turned the big quarter of a century a few months back, though excited and thankful to the Almighty I was concerned, really concerned. So much so that, I didn't’ even celebrate my birthday, not that I usually do, but this one was especially muted.

I was worried that things were not moving according to plan at least not as fast as I envisioned. Let’s just say if 18 year old Poghie was around, I would have had a hard time explaining what was going on. Especially when he realises that I haven’t laid the high school sweet heart..yet, hehe. It could easily deteriorate into a full fight, as I still am the size of 18 year old me, he might just beat me up, as he would be fitter and faster.

Seriously things seem to be going well for my peers, the lucky ones are already in their dream jobs, in their own houses, driving, in short they are living the life. Girls I used to date have tois, married or both. I keep seeing 25 year olds on tele flipping the world on its axis, at this age Jesus had already turned water into wine (I think..) what about me? Who me? Well I’m still at my folks place, skipping through jobs, almost done with my first degree, with only a ka blog to show haha..

At 25, you are now considered an adult, really, you are legal across the globe, not like they told you at 18. Life has just started to take shape, you have a clearer picture of what you want to do and how. You have completely shed the teenager mind set, you have started to define yourself, seeing the big picture. We don’t expect any drastic changes from this point, just steps in the right direction.

So on my 25^th birthday I wrote this, 11 things every self-respecting Kenyan man should have achieved at 25. To fellow 25 year olds who might be wallowing in this miasma (I have never used that phrase since class 8 so I just had to, school fees haikutolewa bure) and to young lads who are yet to get to 25 to help them set goals.

As you can see it started out as a serious thing, but I quickly realised that it was my birthday and there was no need to make other people feel as gloomy as I was. Thus it quickly deteriorated into a fun game, and a great read. So good that after reading it repeatedly for a little over 4 months, I finally decided to post it here, the last time I wrote here was in 2011.

So here goes, some of these things can’t be expressed properly in English so when I drift to sheng…elewa and enjoy!

1. Have a bank account, KRA PIN and a serious email address –the account might not have much, or anything but just have one, do I need to go over the importance of a KRA pin? A serious email address, one that you can confidently give without the ‘ati?’ one you can use to send your CV or a proposal to prospective employers/business partners.

2. Keep a constantly updated CV – this is to those who are still tarmacking, it goes without saying really but you will be surprised how many guys are told to give their CVs then don’t have one or last time they updated it was in their Form 4 English composition class.

3. Have more than 3 certificates, i.e. Birth, KCPE and KCSE – A professional certificate of sorts, a diploma a degree. If not then have a skill in something, basically kua umeongeza kitu kwa akili from your high school days.

4. Know your ID number by heart – you have had that card for the past 7 years, you have used it a million times, wrote your ID number over and over, in those books at the entrance of every building, application forms etc. I don’t care how bad you are with numbers, you have to know this number by heart.

5. Follow at least one sport religiously – you are a man, that is it, no discussions. By now you should know one sport inside out, so much so that you can coach a kids team to a mtaa championship. The more sports the merrier, doesn’t matter if you have played it or not..

6. Have at least fallen in love once – well this one is highly relative, we are very different but at least have one serious relationship under you, apart from the one you are in now, unless it has been on for 7 years. You are on the highway to marriage (unless you are like me, the Sir Njonjo type), trust me, either way at least have the basic knowledge of how to handle a lady.

7. Know how to cook a basic meal – I don’t mean that you suddenly become Chef Ramsey, but at least know how to cook a full, edible meal, and No mayai boiled or fried does not count. Top of that list should be ugali, jua kusonga ugali, then one stew hata tumbukiza. Then be able to choma nyama. Also know the steps to make one or two sophisticated meals or bake, it comes in handy.

8. Be knowledgeable – Know what is going on not only in the country but around the globe. Watch the news, read more than just the sports section and Pulse in the newspapers. Know enough to form an opinion and to hold a conversation. Know your County Rep, MP, Senator and Governor hata wa ocha..

9. Be able to converse in your mother tongue – most of us have been brought up in Nairobi, be that as it may, 25 years and you can’t form a sentence in your mother tongue? So how do you talk to your grand folks. Also know your ushago, be able to take yourself there..

10. Made a decision on your sexuality – this should not even be here, but if you feel that there is a little girl inside you, please bring her out now. Don’t make life awkward for your friends and relatives who have known you as a man for more than a quarter of a century , ati you were born that way..kumbaff!!

11. Made a decision on whether you drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, chew miraa or other drugs – You had a whole 7 years or more to experiment with these forbidden fruits. Don’t come now and say you want to start drinking, boss watu wanamaliza marathon weh ndio una anza? Who will be carrying your drunk ass,ati ju ndio unatafuta limits zako?

I could go on and on, the general idea is that after 25, things are serious, even though you are told that it’s never that serious. That being said, the beauty with life is that you hold yourself to your own yard stick, as long as you are comfortable with what you are doing and where you are..thaas it!

You can catch me on Odd Shaped Balls Kenya where I scribble frequently on the game they play in heaven...